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Purification Rundown

I came here to Florida with a question, and the answer--no matter what it was--would change my life indefinitely. I was uncomfortable in my own body: it was female, and I just had to be male. I was a straight woman, but felt deep down that I was a gay man. I decided, with the help of my parents, to get auditing before I did anything drastic (taking hormones and getting SRS: Sexual Reassignment Surgery). I didn't need my parents to push me into getting help. In all truth, I was on the fence--the worst place to be. I had three choices: begin the transition, continue pretending to be female, or destroy myself. I would feel griefy when I knew I shouldn't, and seeing pictures of handsome guys only turned up the volume on the feeling. When I wore girls' clothes it was more like for show: I usually dressed up as a girl for Halloween (the scariest thing I could become). The only time I seriously considered dressing as a girl was the time when I put on a dress and was reduced to be a pile of teary, depressed muck on my bedroom floor. I didn't leave my room until I was in 'suitable' mens' clothes. The only girl I could be was a crossdressing man. I watched 'The Secret' and asked the universe, with every fiber of my being, to make this uninhabitable body male somehow (it worked in a way: after that postulate I came across a LOT of information on FTM transitioning). I remember finding a transman online who had gone through his transition and I would cry just looking at his pictures (it was hard to believe he was ever female--all traces of his feminity were washed away by hormone therapy and 'top surgery,' and he looked amazing). I looked up 'transman' and 'FTM', eventually finding Hudson's FTM Guide. Whenever I talked about it to friends, I would get excited. It seemed like I had hope. "I knew I was a girl, but I also knew that I would grow up to be a man--it was the only thing that made sense at the time. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a boy. When I thought about myself, I was a boy. I felt the irresistable urge to correct people when they called me by feminine pronouns (she/her), and I often did. Most of my friends got used to it, often referring to me as 'he.' My best friend was in medical school and told me she would help me give myself testosterone (via bimonthly intramuscular injection). People who knew me called me by 'he/his,' and most strangers simply guessed or avoided using either pronoun. I masculinized my name was was determined to change it legally. I wore an Ace bandage around my chest, and cut my hair short. I wore only men's clothes. Still, I had the feeling that maybe--just MAYBE--I would realize something during my auditing and I would change my mind. And that's precisely what happened. Auditing was originally proposed by my parents, but I had no objections whatsoever. And so began my journey to 'find myself.' I travelled across the country by plane to see my auditor. What I sought became known as my 'answer.' In about eight hours, I went from San Fransico to Tampa. I became set on deciding for myself which path I would go down, narrowing my options down to two: become a man or a woman. I started off with the Purification Rundown. That was a trip. Cramps that I used to get in my feet vanished (with the help of CalMag), and I looked and felt healthier. My IQ rose twelve points, hitting 134. I was never one to get pulled into using drugs (in fact, my smoking friends didn't even allow me to hold a cigarette), so my slate was clean besides some second-hand smoke and a few medical drugs. Needless to say, I came out of the Purif sqeaky clean and ready to face TR's head-on. Towards the end of my Purif, I began the TR's. I realized during OT TR 0 how 'far away' I really was. It was incredibly beneficial, and I know it will help me do a whole lot better in my Speech class next semester. I wasn't staring off into space when I spoke to people, and although I still speak slowly I no longer lose my train of thought at the slightest distraction (which used to happen more often than I'm willing to admit). I had a super fun twin and an amazingly patient supervisor. I came up through OT TR 0 all the way to TR 9. After I completed my TR's, the first person I used my newly aquired skills (Tone 40, mostly) on wasn't even a person: it was a squirrel I was trying to photograph at the Lowry Park Zoo. It's a great picture, by the way. After the TR's, I jumped straight into session with Les, my auditor. It was a truly mind-blowing, life changing, incredible experience that wrenched my 'answer' right up from the depths of my mind. In the end, my problem was a past life incident! It seems so silly afterwards. I felt the weight lift from my shoulders, and finally I could breathe (removing the Ace bandage helped with this too). The depressing grief I used to feel left and didn't come back. Les, Anita, and even the other preclears around the house were so, so, so supportive. Anita took me shopping (for the 'real test'), and when I tried on girls' clothes... voila! No pain, no grief. The sky wasn't falling, and the walls were still solid. I didn't grow antenae or an extra set of arms. I was right there, admiring my female body in clothes that actually fit. For the next few days, I only wore girls' clothes, and not only was I fine with it, I actually enjoyed it. I texted my friend in medical school and carefully told her that I wasn't going to transition. The message she sent back to me was: 'As long as you feel better about yourself that's all that matters to me.' I also broke the news to my online penpal and best friend (who knows me only as a gay man), and she accepted me as I truly am much better than I expected (she's still my super awesome best friend for life!). I haven't told many other people, but I'm expecting the worst and hoping for the best. But I know now that it's not anyone's decision but mine.

— RS

Success from on 06/29 at 04:34 PM
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February 2018
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